Fog in my brain...

I finally had to give in and up my meds ... why do I feel like I have let myself down ... that I am not as strong as I thought ... that I could have held out longer. It is sad to me to feel my mind numbed and my thoughts fogged over. I know that every time I have done this in the past that the sun eventually burns away the fog, but it takes time for my poor body to adjust. A grown woman should not need a two hour nap every afternoon to function ... although there is something delicious about napping in the sun. I think the worst part is the foggy thoughts ... I have never been able to understand how someone could like this feeling enough to crave it more than food. I guess it is just my desire to be fully present in my life ... to feel everything.
I decided years back to love poppies ... to be thankful that they allow me to walk, work, play, and RUN ... I decided to be thankful that my pain is manageable. I feel in love with this painting of three poppies ... I should find it and just get it ...yes, yes I should.
Tonight I am not loving my poppy-power. Tonight I am sad that it makes me fall asleep in the middle of visiting with my favorite girls ... I am sad that although I am sleeping 14 hours a day it makes me look like I am only sleeping 4 ... I am sad that it makes me go through my days struggling to attend to the beauty that makes my soul breath. Tonight I entered a stand-off with that little green pill ... deciding that it was not in control of me and if I did not want to get up and take it at exactly 7:30 then I wasn't going to ... unfortunately that pill and my body are enmeshed in a dependent relationship and it was not long before my body loudly let me know that there is no debating on this issue. At the same time that I feel guilty for complaining and know that I need to be thankful that my pain is manageable ... I hate those little green pills some days.
I was thinking however of how incredibly magical and painfully beautiful the mornings after the thick fogs we had last week were ... every little inch of every twig on every tree dressed in white ... a true wonderland. Maybe the morning after my fog will be just as breath taking. It is just waiting for the sun to come.