After hitting the sleep button 6 times I gave in and shut it off ... Which of course lead to an inability to fall back asleep. This morning called for Sex In The City and oatmeal. SITC has an amazing distractability power for me.
I know the things that bring me real happiness ... For some reason I have just not felt like I have had the energy to do these things.
My pain has been bad. I am not regretting radiation but I am frustrated.
I feel like I need to hug my heart, wipe its tears, and tell it to pull itself together and get on with my life. I may only be able to run a sixth of what I was running before radiation ... But I can run!! I may still be in pain ... But I know that I have done everything I could to ease that burden on my body. I may feel like a storm has just blown through my life ... But there are rainbows after storms right? The sun will come and I can begin to heal the damage.
Perhaps the biggest challenge I face now is finding the balance between challenging myself and not being too hard on myself.
It is amazing how we can be so unaware of our strength until it is taken away. I was so strong before ... And in comparison to now it is hard to not feel weak. Is that not true for everything. It is rare to really know the value of something in our lives until we are faced with its loss.
- H
- I am doing my best to find the good things in my life and cherish them. I love deeply. I laugh hard (so hard I sometimes snort). I still dream and believe that dreams are meant to be followed. I try to depend on God. I have so much to learn. I hope.
2 comments:
Send your heart over here for a hug too. Remember that your little body actually ran an IRON MAN triathalon there with no training, and you will need to give it time to regenerate. Try to be patient with your little self, and remember your own famous words "if you need help, ask for it and trust people to say no if they can't!" Ask for company or grocery pick up or housecleaning or a walk companion, or SIC watcher buddy....whatever you need to help that bod of yours get its head, heart and soul above water again. Speaking of which...are you swimming again?
xxoo
QT
Also, welcome back to Erin!!
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