9.11.2006

Love squished through the phone line ...


Today I got to catch up with two of my dearest friends who to my hearts dismay live far, far away. It is amazing how much a voice can hug your heart. Jennie and Erin could really have talked about clipping their toe nails and it would have been just as wonderful to talk to them. Theirs are voices that have loved me through so much, that have stood by me ... And what seemed most important today voices that have always accepted me. Voices that have spent hours sharing with me. Voices that have shared amazing wisdoms, challenged me, and counseled me. Voices that can slow my anxious heart and let me escape into a world of warmth. I must be doing something right because I have these girls as friends.
I can't sleep. I spun around like a hot-dog in the cooker at the Southland Leisure Centre trying to find a position that would ease my pain. I finally gave in, marched my pink poka-dotted but into the kitchen to take my break through meds. I am having to take these more and more. In the past I would manage the pain the best I could until my next scheduled dose ... And be in pain. I am getting over that. For one the pain is too much to manage with hot baths and ice-cream. But also I have made some strides in accepting that taking medication to ease pain does not make me a quiter.
I have a secret that I don't tell many people ... And once you read it you have to pretend to eat it and digest it and forget you ever heard it ... he he he ... I am scared. I am scared that when that huge magnet spins around me next week sneaking peaks into my body that it will glow in bright monitor light that I am a fighter, every last cell of me, including my little schwanoma cells that are not only fighters but over achievers who like to grow faster and bigger than all their cell friends.

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I am doing my best to find the good things in my life and cherish them. I love deeply. I laugh hard (so hard I sometimes snort). I still dream and believe that dreams are meant to be followed. I try to depend on God. I have so much to learn. I hope.

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