(This photo was taken by the same photographer who took my profile picture. I meet this meetup group of Toronto photographers where I was in Niagara in October 2005. They were a lot of fun. They had just come from the butterfly conservatory ... I wish I had gone looking back.)Yes, I have to admit that it was not until about half way through mixing up a batch of cookie-dough to consume in its finest, doughiest state, that I realized I was not coping so well. The fact that my brother's girlfriend's skor ice-cream sat empty in the garbage can should have been the first clue. I laughed at myself, kicked myself, and ate the dough. I have been doing so much better at nourishing myself but not denying myself good tasting delights. I thought about the deal I have with the Queen about binging and decided it was worth the cost. For in this moment I needed to be weak and fall apart for a little moment.
There was not so much a waterfall of thoughts as a flood of apprehension. The built up to the moment when I would sit before the doctor and find out.
My mind kept saying "You are being over reactive, dramatic, and stupid" "It is what it is, knowing will not change your life" "It could be way worse, you know if it is anything it is not huge yet". My heart kept saying "I am scared" " I don't want to do this again" "I can't do this again ... not yet".
My condition led me to realize that I was not going to be okay going on my own. Well now, I would have been okay, but I did not want to face this alone. And the last minute calls for support began the night before the appointment : ) to the morning of when Norma came through once again.
And???? Well it is not the best but it is not the worst. It has grown minimally. The sac ( I never knew there was one) has stayed the same but the mass inside has "filled" out here and there a little. It is possible that this difference could be attributed to one scan being done without die and the other with. It is possible but I would say not probable from the Doc's face.
I could have gone to mom's and finished the cookie-dough ... but I didn't. It is what it is. We know were we are. And I will not let life pass my by. I will continue to fill my life with the things that I love and care for the brilliant, strong body I have been blessed with.
Today I swam the butterfly again. It has been almost a year. And I am running 5 km again. My strength is returning. I must say though this has been a hard week on the getting my butt to the gym thing.
Thank you for all your sweet words and love. As always I continue to feel my heart squeezed by you all. Thank you for witnessing this page ... next!
There was not so much a waterfall of thoughts as a flood of apprehension. The built up to the moment when I would sit before the doctor and find out.
My mind kept saying "You are being over reactive, dramatic, and stupid" "It is what it is, knowing will not change your life" "It could be way worse, you know if it is anything it is not huge yet". My heart kept saying "I am scared" " I don't want to do this again" "I can't do this again ... not yet".
My condition led me to realize that I was not going to be okay going on my own. Well now, I would have been okay, but I did not want to face this alone. And the last minute calls for support began the night before the appointment : ) to the morning of when Norma came through once again.
And???? Well it is not the best but it is not the worst. It has grown minimally. The sac ( I never knew there was one) has stayed the same but the mass inside has "filled" out here and there a little. It is possible that this difference could be attributed to one scan being done without die and the other with. It is possible but I would say not probable from the Doc's face.
I could have gone to mom's and finished the cookie-dough ... but I didn't. It is what it is. We know were we are. And I will not let life pass my by. I will continue to fill my life with the things that I love and care for the brilliant, strong body I have been blessed with.
Today I swam the butterfly again. It has been almost a year. And I am running 5 km again. My strength is returning. I must say though this has been a hard week on the getting my butt to the gym thing.
Thank you for all your sweet words and love. As always I continue to feel my heart squeezed by you all. Thank you for witnessing this page ... next!
2 comments:
...and you should have seen her! She is one powerful Butterfly Queen. She absolutely surged through the water --I've never seen anything quite so impressive! Thanks for not judging my lack of commitment to my own health and well being at this time.
xxoo
QT
PS--sometimes we all need a little cookie dough to make it through... :)
just checking back to see how you are heather.
keeping you in my prayers.
i got to meet jay and milissa's new little daughter last night. she is a cool kid. super peaceful. she's just 5 days old. they're hoping to take her home soon.
you're a super cool kid too. i'm always astounded by the amount of of peace and assurance you convey to others, all while daily breathing through discomfort and unknowns.
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