Overwhelmed ...

I have just woken up from a desperately needed nap after surviving Krista's stagette weekend in Banff. I had a gross feeling of off-ness that I used to get when I would fall asleep after work in the light and wake up to darkness. A fear as raw as a fear can be. A sense of panic and unbalance, like something is so wrong. A fear that floats at the top of my tummy making my arms draw around my body and hug it tightly. I was just thinking last week that I had not had this feeling in so long. Likely because my life now has no time for napping. There is also that feeling of emptiness when you spend so much time with a group of fabulous people and then just like that they are all gone. It is so quite ... and alone. I have been feeling genuine contentedness the last little while. Safe and alive in my skin. Unfocused on any drama. As I age I have come to accept myself little by little. My trials over the last couple of years have repeatedly stripped me of any masks or veils and left my core naked for all and I to see. The essence of a soul, stripped from the defenses that we put up, the makeup we wear. And in those moments I was able to look at myself with grace. I was forced to be weak and vulnerable and apart. I had not a pinch of strength to present myself more put together or brilliant than I really am. In those moments, when I just looked at my naked spirit and embraced it, when I allowed myself to feel what I felt, to be weak, to be imperfect, I found grace ... grace for me. And tonight I sit wrapped in the softest blanket in the world, cross-legged on my home floor, wet-eyed, and runny nosed seeking that grace. There were too many moments this weekend where I wished that I was more of someone else and less of me. My masks and veils have been layering, building up over my core to the point that there are times where I can't engage with others. I have started walking through my life with my eyes focused and unengaged with the hearts that beat around me. Even though I still am energized by hearing peoples lives, I have been slowly paper-macheing my own heart, trying to hide and protect its contentedness. But this weekend I saw how that even if I love and seek to hear the beats of others hearts ... I can't when mine is hidden behind layered strips of comic paper (you would not ever expect less of me than to paper-mache my heart with color, no plain black and white print for this heart). We spent most of the weekend with a fabulous group of guys, with what I was told had great hearts, and genuine spirits. But I could not tell you much of anything about them ... In fact, and this is actually hard to write, I could not really even tell you all of their names. They did not get the chance to know me, I did not give them that. One thing that sucks about being single is that message we hear so often ... "you never know when the next love of your life will walk in". Meant as an encouragement but internalized in this little heart as "you better be distant and off cause you don't really want to go down that love of your life road again now do you".
The one thing in this post that is clear is that I have yet to sort through my feelings of the weekend. I can usually get the clarity that I need from writing, but I feel a little more confused.I guess it comes down to this. I want to be able to be more vulnerable with people, well mostly guys, to have balanced boundaries. To be able to let the hearts that I see as brilliant see my heart. On the one hand I wish that I was more like Krista and her girls, unbridled, wild,outgoing, and engaged. But on the other hand, and what I really think is more the desire of my heart is to accept myself more and more ... to be okay with being shy in big groups of new people, a sucky flirt, bad at small talk, and at this point in time still scared of someone incredible walking into my life. What a wonderful weekend though filled with beautiful and brilliant woman who I am thankful to have let loose and lived with. So much belly laughter and pure fun. Some rough mornings, but worth it to see the radiating happiness of my Krista. The pride that bride has for her man is something to see and I could not be happier that her wedding experiences are turning out to be everything she has dreamed of and deserves. I feel so privileged to be standing up for this girl and boy. If you don't know my Krista you are missing out on one of most beautiful and loving hearts that God ever did make.
AND the snow, huge families of flakes falling so quietly to the mountains, dressing our world in bright white. Making my hands find their way to holding my heart and forcing me to breath deeply and present myself to the present. See I do feel better. It feels like I have talked with each one of you that I know reads my blog. Did you know that? That I see your faces as I write. I just realized that now. What a beautiful thing to be able to be with you. Thank you for witnessing ... I don't feel so alone now.