Homecoming?

I am awake unable to calm my mind and my heart tonight. I am tucked into a blanket in front of a fireplace with white lights dancing on a huge evergreen in the whaling wind. I should be content and peaceful but I am just not feeling settled. Is God trying to tell me that this is just not where I should be. I have not been so tempted to run away in a long time.
I have come a long way but I still do not like change. It makes me feel like I have somehow failed keeping the good in my life.
I have had glimpses of grace for myself. Moments where I catch a glimmer of seeing that maybe I am not responsible for everything that has changed. Maybe there are other imperfect people in my life. Maybe they make mistakes too.
I am hurt. And what hurts more is that they don't seem to be. There are a couple relationships that have changed in my life. Relationships that I depended on. Relationships that defined so much of my feeling of ... well of being loved. It did not matter if you did not love me or even like me because they did. I was special to them. I always had been and thought that I always would be. I know I can try the patience of those close to me. I know that being part of my life is not all cookies and ice-cream, predictability or sanity. I know, as anyone that reads this blog knows, that I love deeply and hurt deeply. I know I am anything but simple. I know that it can seem like I always have something or someone falling apart.
But how does that make it okay for you to pull away. How many times am I going to have to learn that people let you down? Are you reading this thinking that I am too dramatic? That I make mountains out of mole hills? Or is it ringing true in your heart?
I am sad. I am sad for me because behind my frustration of feeling like you really just stopped caring, I am sad to loose your love in my life because it mattered to me. It defined me. Your love was built over so many years and so many tears.
New love has come to start to fill where you have taken yours away. But the kind of love that defines a person is special and must be tried and true.
Have I pulled away too? Yes ... I don't have the stregth to be the only one that needs. That is a vulnerability that my heart just can not handle. And why you did not need me or where unable to share your needs I don't know.
You know what though. I am not ... I can not pretend to be able to do this on my own. So much of my story has been beyond my control and I can't apologize for those things. And I don't want to either because those trials have given me a tender heart. Those things that I feel burden you ... those are the things are allowing me to be present in my life and experience beauty and love in the depths of my heart and soul. Those things and how I live inspires and touches others even when I don't understand why or how.
And so I am left so torn. Needing to not feel like we are just going through the motions, needing to see you be vulnerable and open. Not wanting to let my heart continue closing off from you, but wondering how much more one little heart can handle.
My heart on paper, my tears on my chest ... now I can sleep.