But this is supposed to be painful ...

8 in 8 update:
So how can it be that I have just had three great dates with three very kind, interesting, together men? And how can I still feel like I want to run for the hills, in fact, even farther and faster than before?
I was not supposed to like these guys, that was not my plan at all. And they were not supposed to be eager for a second date.
I have learned about a child's ability to loose themselves in play when they need a break from intense emotions. It seems to be innate and exist as a way to protect them from more than they can handle. So, as an adult, are we really able to hold our breath longer under those intense emotions. Do we have to, or more honestly, do I have to explore why my heart does what it does? Right now I want to be able to shut-off the emotions and just play. It is just that I seem to really suck at that. I seem to need to dive-in and find the blue ring at the bottom of the pool while my lungs feel like they will explode until I will allow myself to tilt my head back and flutter my little legs up towards relief, gasping for air. In our world, I feel like I don't fit in because of this. I sometimes feel like everyone else is doing the breast-stroke up above me. Getting nice big deep breaths every time they stroke and not feeling at all like their ears have knives in them. It seems to be so much easier for others to ignore all that is hard and painful and messy. Why am I so messy? And is there anyone that can really meet us at the bottom and give us their breath or is it something that we have to do alone?

Before I had such a good time on my dates I had made a decision that I would share with you a little something wonderful about each of the men. Not to say that if there was also something not so wonderful that i would not share that, but I wanted to make sure that i really thought about what stood out as special in them to me. So here we go:

Date 1: Tom is a fire-fighter in New York. He was up here for a charity hockey tournament and staying at the hotel I was staying at with Sharon. After meeting him in the business centre and me cluelessly wishing him a good-night and walking out, Sharon stopped me and said that I better go back in and get that date. I did not, but she did : ) She walked proudly into the room and announced that I had lunch the next day. Tom is sweet as pie. He comes from a town outside of Manhattan. Tom loves to use up every little minute of his day. He volunteers coaching hockey and you could see in his eyes that the kid's he coaches really impact him. He has amazing eyes that were very gentle and sincere. He is not afraid to get excited about a girl and shared our date with the team. He is brave and values equality. Money is not his biggest focus and he is a dreamer. He will make a great dad one day.

Numero 2: Marcus is a scientist doing his PhD and researching a protein that surrounds the bad fat ldl. He grew his hair out to wear it in a turban for his cousins wedding. The thought "I bet you would be so handsome in a turban" crossed my mind for the first time in my life, and he would. He loves racing sail boats because it is physical and takes strategy. He sat back and let me dig myself into a hole and laughed with me as I tried to get out. He is not afraid of hard work and plans to do more school after his PhD. I felt comfortable around him almost right away and he knows about palliative care. He learns from his life and does a brilliant job of imitating his family back in India that feel that he should be married. He was up for hot-chocolate when I suggested it while he was driving me home. I had fun giving him a hard time.

And Mr Ryan: Ryan came from out of down and I was instantly comfortable around him. He knows that he has this affect on people and loves to help people see what is really important in life. He values people. He is playful and sarcastic and has worked really hard to get to a place where he is able to come to the table with an open heart. He is sincere and not afraid to take risks to make his life look more like he wants it to. He cares for his family and was not afraid to go beyond the surface. AND he ate cheese-cake with me!



So you can see where I become stumped. A coffee-date tomorrow with the lad from Britain should likely mess me up further.

As always, writing it out gave me a little respite and a deep breath.

I am still going to go ahead with this and pray that I am able to respect all the hearts I meet. I am sweetly surprised.