The road sooo traveled ...

I have talked before about my struggle to be gentle with my heart as it continues to heal and my wonder about where that ends and the challenge for growth begins. This weekend I felt kind of like I was doing hurdles … I would get over one and there was another right in front of me … allowing me little time to regroup and prepare for the next.
This past little while I have felt like my eyes are leaky faucets … and for someone who can struggle with letting go … this has been a draining time.
The drive to Edmonton was … hard … I asked myself a couple times why I was going … almost stopped in Red Deer to hide there. But you should have seen the sun set … there was a Chinook arch and below it the sky was so brilliantly blue with fluffy white ‘simpsons’ clouds lit like fire … and the rest of the sky the most velvet pink. It lasted from the time I left Calgary to shortly after Red Deer.
I got to thinking about the hundreds of times that I had made that drive … for so many reasons … with so many different people. There were the trips on the Red Arrow to visit Dad with the miniature glass pop bottles and yummy peak freans (? – those cookies with the red jelly middle) … the times that one of my friends would join me … the times that Kylie, Kevin, and I would sit as far a way from each other as we could! There were the trips up to see my neurosurgeon … the anxiety of not knowing if I would come home that day or be admitted for another surgery … the relief of the ride home when I was tumor-free … the transport trips between hospital and recovering at home where I had to stay flat and every bump made me cry. There were the trips that ended in Red Deer where Dad would collect us and we drive out to the cabin ... my heaven on earth. Then there were the trips to meet Mike’s family and friends … to visit his family and friends … to move in with his family … to return to visit my family and friends in Calgary … to visit our family. It felt so weird that this trip had no Dad, no doctor, and no Mike, and the only thing left in my life of these is my disease. I cried.
But somehow my heart did not crumple … the wounds hurt but did not open. The moment I walked into Deb’s house and she hugged me I was okay … I was able for the most part to be present with her. We laughed, died her hair, shopped (as we always do together – I got RED shoes that make me very happy!), saw my groomsman from her wedding who is delightfuly witty and fun, and shared our hearts.
I think the hardest part of the weekend was seeing a dear friend of mine that I have not had the strength to talk to till this point because of her connection with Mike. Every ounce of fear that my heart contained seem to swell and say that this would be too painful … but my heart was drawn to go see her. I did not call before because I was worried I was not as strong as I thought and that I might chicken out. I showed up at her door with tears and we hugged and we cried and she would not let go … and that felt so good because she did not let go … and I felt the fear float away in a big fear shaped balloon. This past year has really shown me who is truly tied to my heart and my soul … for me there is no other way to understand why I could not cut myself away from some friendships.It was truly an emotional turbulent weekend and as I sit here sipping my tea I feel nothing … I think I used up all my store. However, the other sweetnesses were seeing my dear friend Jennie who is ever patient with me and who has been such a constant in my life … regardless of the times where she should have dumped me. And of course spending time with my fabulous, sweet cousin Sarah who I am just now learning is a brilliant young woman. We shared hip-hop moves, she taught me to mamba, we skated on these fun little ponds that are all connected (you get to skate under bridges!), we talked about crushes, laughed at our odd quarks, shared our dreams … and went swimming! AND driving back to Calgary in the middle of the night so I could promise to love and support my favorite little man and his family at Jameson’s dedication. Now I am exhausted but have to booty scoot my way to hip-hop and make it through the rest of my day. So looking forward to a quite night! I feel like I could crawl up with a book and my softest blanket and read all day … sorry I am usually better at warning you at the onset if you are going to need a coffee to make it through the most recent chapter of my novel … the theme as of late seems to be strength … must be from God because I know it is not mine.
The mountains this morning ... alluring and so sharp!