Bunnies, bunnies everywhere ...

I love how our minds work. I love that because it is Easter ... bunnies where popping into my world all week. Peeking out from behind the lumber out my window ... running across my path on walks ... and a million other pleasant sittings. The funniest sighting happened at the condo complex that I clean. There is this wonderful older lady who I often see and always seems to be in the process of getting ready for her day with curlers and her robe. She is sooo sweet and always tells me what a wonderful little cleaner I am. So in the spirit of Easter and the essence of spring she decided to put a cast-iron bunny just outside her door. So there I am minding the dust, dancing down the hall way with my hip-hop and ... "AHHHHHH .... what the? ... he he he ahhhhh" I do have to admit that it made my heart miss more than one precious beat and it did take me quite a while to figure out what this animal starring me down in the hall-way was. It has been there for a couple weeks though and over that time we have made peace and become good friends. There are still moments where I forget my little friend is there and get a little surprised but all in all ... she keeps me company. Two secrets ... one I have been having fun playing the Easter-bunny this year and thought it would be fun to help the condo-bunny lay a little nest of chocolate eggs in front of each unit ... and two I move the bunny every time I am there in hopes that it might freak the owner out as much as I was initially freaked ; )

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It has been too long since I have written ... it surely has not been because I have not had stories to share but because I have found myself too tired to get them out at the end of the day. I am on new meds that are supposed to help with the drowsiness ... but we have a huge problem .... it went like this.

pharmacist: "Okay so you can not drink any alcohol when you are taking these meds and..."
Me: "Wait ... right, okay because it will just make me more drowsy so I just need to be careful to not drive ... right?"
P: "No ... you can not drink at all. And ..."
Me: "You mean I can not even have a glass of wine?"
P: "No. So...."
Me: "But I was drinking wine with my other meds and they never said that was a problem and see I really, really enjoy my wine ... so what are we talking about here?"
P: "We are talking about the chemical reaction between your meds and alcohol that will take away from its effectiveness"
Me: "So ... no wine eh?"
P: "No alcohol!"
Me: "We have a little problem"
P: "Yes, yes you may."

So I am wondering where my quality of life fits into all of this. It may seem ridiculous but I am going to call the pain specialist and have a little chat about my options here because I am not liking the ones that have been presented. I drank wine twice this weekend. I love wine. I thought about and talked about wine the entire weekend. What are they going to take away next. How am I supposed to not make them the enemy when they take away my wine?

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I spend the day at the Tom Baker tomorrow signing my life away, getting my pillow made, and my MRI.
I feel stupid because I know in my mind that I have it way better than most of the people that I see there ... yet I always end up so upset. There I was sitting in the hall-way outside the lab waiting to get my blood work-up done with tears streaming down my face. I tried to stop them. I tried to think about happy things. I tried to tell myself that I really had no reason to be crying that I was going to be fine and that that lady with no hair in the wheel-chair should be crying and not me. I took deep breaths, closed my eyes and yet the tears came. I know that it was a build-up from spending an hour in an office in the bowels of the hospital examining every little detail of my pain and how it affects my life. I mean I just don't think about the stuff they were asking me ... I can't afford to think about that stuff. I spend so much time trying to stop, ignore, over-come my pain that when it came down to it I could not really clearly define it. I don't think about the million different ways that it affects my life ... but there I was being forced to so that it could be controlled better. Totally worth it ... yes ... easy? ... no ... emotionally draining ... I wanted so badly to run into someone I knew ... to someone who knew me as more than a pain or a tumor ... I needed a hand to hold ... a shoulder to cry into.
As soon as I entered the safe world of my faithful car I let go of it all ... I cried and cried and cried. I am taking Kirstyn tomorrow ... It may not stop me from crying but she has a wonderful shoulder.

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I was away at Melissa's boyfriend's cabin in Fairmont for the long weekend ... it snowed but it was beautiful. I will write more about it soon ... I need to sleep for the fourth time today ; )