If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.
- Anne Dudley Bradstreet, 1612 - 1672
So I realized today that I have been like a bratty little kid who lodges their fat little fingers into their ears and commences off-tune humming so that they can not hear you. It is quite clear to me that there is no better option for me right now than the radiation ... but I think I wanted to feel like I actually had a choice about it ... that I actually had some control in all of this. I guess I do have a choice ... but it is more like a mirage of a choice because it would mean that I hated my little body ... and I actually quite love it.
The other thing I realized is that it is hard to make any decisions ... even the tinniest most insignificant ones when you have a big one looming in your brain.
So the call has been made ... the next three to four weeks will be filled with base-line and preliminary tests ... then treatment should start at the beginning of May - YIPEEEEEE!
I am doing much better today. I had my cry. I ate my cookie-dough (okay Kirstyn's cookie dough). I felt sorry for myself. Now ... now we do this radiation thing and we do it right! Thanks for your offers of servanthood girlies ... That is sounding pretty good. (That is not to say that I will not momentarily revisit the above mentioned states in times of weakness ... Just a disclaimer!)
Oh ... a moment of celebration - Who knew that all I needed was someone to threaten shooting radiation into me for five weeks to get me running like I was a tiger instead of like my grandma ; ) I ran for 30 straight minutes yesterday ... Before that I was having to take a couple minutes to start breathing after every ten. It was brilliant. I kept thinking that everyone in the gym surely must be noticing how freaking long I had been running ... They didn't ... He he He ahhhhh.
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- H
- I am doing my best to find the good things in my life and cherish them. I love deeply. I laugh hard (so hard I sometimes snort). I still dream and believe that dreams are meant to be followed. I try to depend on God. I have so much to learn. I hope.
1 comment:
You my dear, are much, much, much, much, MUCH too hard on yourself. I have never met anyone as inspiring and incredibly REAL as you. What you were doing is called HOPING, which as you know is the key component to RESILIENCY, which as you also know, is the key to overcoming hardship and also to SURVIVAL, and you do all of this with GRACE and DIGNITY. SO, no more apologizing for your HUMANITY. Capice???
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