"I have cancer get me some cookies!"

Is what Carrie felt comfortable verbalizing as we were waiting forever for the oncologist to show up ... both starving ... I never should have told her that they have home-made cookies for the cancer patients ; ) You know that she kept me laughing though!

The weather so often seems to be controlled by my heart ... it rained tonight for the first time this spring. I love the rain. I love walking in it. I love standing in it. I love jumping in puddles. I LOVE THUNDER STORMS! It is one of those things that makes me let go of everything I am trying to keep together. It is like that first wave of heaven that goes through you with the first touch of a massage. As I left the Y tonight and saw the wet stones ... took a deep breath of freshness ... I started to cry.
Am I overly dramatic? Am I making more of this then there is? I could be way worse off. Is my pain getting worse because I am scared that it is?
All I know is that I feel crushed. I let my heart dream of what life would be like without anymore surgeries. What it would be like to walk out 45 minutes after entering the hospital all fixed.
I will let it go ... I will get over it ... but right now I feel so cheated.
The deal is five weeks of radiation five times a week. End result ideally being that the tumor stops growing as does my pain. The tumor will not shrink and nor will my pain. They are sending me to the pain clinic so that my meds can be increased under medical supervision.
Again I feel at a loss of how I am supposed to make this decision. What if it does not work and I end up having to have surgery after 5 weeks of radiation?
So many what ifs and no answers ... only best or worst case scenarios.
And on top of that I was not at all prepared for the feelings that would come back returning to the Tom Baker Cancer Centre. It has been 6 years since I did chemo and I had forgotten how ugly it was. It broke my heart a little to see my thick file starring at me, reminding me that no matter how far I try to forget that time ... it will never forget me.
There were some good memories with the bad. Melissa driving me every week ... puting up with me sleeping through treatments, and me having to practically stick my head out the window on the way home. My wonderful friends in lethbridge who drove me back and forward every Monday. My thesis supervisor who did not once question my ability to carry four courses and do chemo. The pride I felt when it was all over and I made the dean's honor role. It being over. The love.
I am trying to remind myself that not too long ago I was happily at a place where I had decided it was okay to not know ... but where are you left when you don't know but you have to decide anyway and soon.
And I can't have the body pillow (or body imobilizing pillow as the fancy shmancy technicians like to call it)... cause it cost a grand and the reuse it ... grand shmand I want that pillow ... I deserve that pillow.