Bowness Lilac Robbery ...

Today I am thankful for the sweet, perfect smell and perfection of Lilacs which are overflowing on my island and kissing my bed-side thanks to Treesa's abundantly beautiful and now hole-filled bushes ... and my sweet friend Christine who gladly drove me around all day to commit such crimes). Today I am thankful that all of 'this stuff' is happening at this time of year ... that there is beauty to feed all my senses ... that I can feel kissed by the sun ... to see green ... to see life and growth.

I could not even begin to encompass all that has happened since I got out of bed yesterday morning ... which by the way would not have happened if there had not been left-over blizzard in my freezer that the wonderful Chris had so generously brought me the night before ... seriously nothing but that ice-cream could have done it!

My ongoing state of mania led the way and I had a list that the average person might try to tackle in a week to accomplish in a day because I had my mom driving me and the kind of commitment and scheduling that was required could only be asked of a parent. It was magical ... family doc, bank, treatment, eye-doctor, consignment, dollar-store, Zellers, shoe-repair store, recycling, post-office (serviced by a grumpy teenager on her first day - 20 min to mail a package!) grocery store ... North, South, East, and West ... and back at mom's in time to make Melissa dinner before dragon-boating ... and moving at a snail's pace with a head-ache. It was a beautiful magical thing ... so many checks off the list ... one might even say orgasmic ; )

And if all that was not enough ... we are in the car and all of the sudden I start freaking out because I think that I have gone incontinent and completely wet myself (tumor pressing on bladder nerve ... a risk of the radiation ... no, not your average Joe's fist train of thought ... but a valid one here). Keeping in mind that these steroids are really doing a number on the sharpness of my brain ... I continue to freak-out for a good couple minutes as my water-bottle is sitting upside down in my lap ... completely soaking me ... "Ohhhh ... would you look at that ... not incontinence ... spilled water ... well, that is a relief ... I am soaked!!" And so ... impromptu emergency shopping ...completely unavoidable ... and boy did they have some cute stuff ... and boy did they have some good sales ... and boy did Heather end up walking out of the mall with a lot of new clothes ... it was my Mom's fault ... she is a bad influence! It is not bad if you did not plan it right?

But here was the thing ... there was something new after treatment ... a new pain ... and the nurse said two words yesterday that burrowed into my little brain ... permanent damage. Yesterday, was the first day that it sunk in for me that I am being radiated everyday. I don't think that I can describe it really.
And she said that if anything changed I needed to go to emergency.
With every ounce of me ... I did not want to go. I did not want to have to ask someone to take me and sit there with me, I did not want to have to explain my history. I did not think that they would have a rat's ass idea of what to do. I DID NOT WANT TO GO. So ... he he he ... I went Dragon-boating, which in retrospect was maybe not the smartest move ... but hell if my legs were going to go at least I could remember my last night with legs out on the beautiful reservoir laughing with my friends. And then Treesa took me in ... no questions, no worries ... you know you have found a real friend when you know a person would be willing to sit in emergency with you. Made me feel like it was a party for her ... this girl has loveliness and greatness like few people I know. I hope I can pass on the gift she gave me last night one day ... really no words ... she was just the Queen she is.
And as we were sitting there and my brain moved through the logic of what was going on I realized that there was a possibility that this process could possibly end with me in the OR ... that the way in which to remove pressure off the nerves would be to remove the tumor ... and then I was okay waiting ... then I was okay feeling a little scared ... overly-cautious did not seem the condition anymore. And they said I was okay ... and my heart breathed ... and home felt sooo good.
I was humbled. I am not going to live in fear ... I can't live that way ... but I am going to try and think in the future a little more than I like to ... just for now.
I saw the neurologist today ... I had to decide if I wanted to continue ... the radiation dose keeps increasing till we finish. The steroids take two months after you stop to leave your system, as does the fatigue and weakness (I did not know that). I think I have to let go of the Triathlon. I think that I have to let go of Thailand. That makes me angry and sad. I am going to complete the treatment. Am I making the right choice? I don't know ... I just hope I am making the best one.

Long one eh : ) The beauty of blogging ... I get to spill and no one can tell me to stop talking ...