Weeks. It has been weeks since Kirst gave me a hug of warm fuzzy fleece from Lulu-lemon to be her hug while she was away and I was getting started with radiation. Weeks of stressing over what color I should settle on. Ridiculous. So silly I am genuinely insulted and assaulted by the thought that I have put into this. The actual stress over the color of a hoodie. Granted there is the sheer frustration that the store has no supply and never knows ahead of time what will be in their shipment … no clue at all … which is really unheard of in this time of retail availability. I thought that was it. I thought that I could just not handle the possibility that the perfect color would come out the second that I settled on one. This of course is all compounded by the fact that I am cheap and would never be able to spoil myself with such a sweet luxury … but it was a gift, a beautiful, sweet, and utterly generous gift.
But as I sat on the leather couch outside Lulu this morning, my fourth visit (yes really!),waiting for them to open I forced myself to really look at what was really going on in my head. How had I allowed my mind to waste so much headache on the color of hoodie … why did it matter to me so much? And like always, it is never about what it is really about. I was finally privy to the underlying battle. Am I boring or am I fun? Am I practical or alive? Black or Baby blue? Yes I realize those descriptors are not so clear cut … but in my mind they are.
My ex-husband told me I was boring. He told me that I had no passion for anything and that all I cared about was money. The power of a loved one’s words are immeasurable … no matter how logical we can try and be … there are some words that can never be sanded out of our hearts and souls.
I like to think that since those words crushed my heart I have been able to pull apart what was his stuff and what was mine. I like to think that I don’t make choices to prove anything to him. I like to think that I don’t still wonder what he would think. I like to think that his influence on me is over. Really I don’t know that it ever will be. All I do know is that I will keep seeking to know who I am … just me … I will keep questioning.
I chose baby-blue because I loved it … I chose baby-blue because it brings out the sparkle in my eye. I chose baby-blue because it feels like Kirst’s hug, bright and warm and colorful.
And yes it feels so good that following my heart, that being me once again proved him wrong.
6 comments:
My Little Sweet Pea
I am so happy you chose the baby blue. It will indeed bring out the sparkle in your eyes (as if you needed more). I love how your mind works and that you are generous and brave to share with us. (Heather Groupies)
I am truly sad for your X that he did not appreciate the treasure that he had. How could he not see the real you who loves life more than anyone I know and who pushes herself to experience and enjoy every corner of life.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
LOVE and HUGS,HUGS and more HUGS
K8
What a great post Heather! I hope you love your new "hug" and I know the coulour will look beautiful on you. I know that negative comments usually end up having a much larger effect than positive ones (a sad reality of the human condition) but I want you to know that I think you are one of the most passionate people I have ever met. You live life with joy when so many people live by default. I didn't know your X but I would have to question his ability to judge people because he has it all wrong.
Frisbee Blue
Perfect!!!
No one is fun when they are stressed with the sole responsibility of maintaining a house and putting someone through school.
you are the one person in the world who knows how to have fun and always did!! The Heather who has always been......
little pink Saks bathing suit with a big pink bow...... Laughter.... Friends... What next.... where to..... money...... I'll find it
That is the real Heather...
I have had the very same words thrown at me ......small truths are in those words but for those we love we make sure that they do not have to scrimp. You loved him and gave him everything you could which means that you couldn't have everything you wanted.....
That is called sacrafice .....
and that is who you are... Kind loving.... caring ...always trying to make the world a happy place for those you know and love
The big picture is you gave all you had to make someone else happy and now it is time for YOU!!
Love you always
You are the most non-boring, wonderfully passionate person I know.
One of the things I love the most about you is that you taught me a long time ago how to savor every single moment of life.
I have wonderful memories of many, many walks to a hill at sunset, and precious conversations to prove that you are anything but boring and money-obsessed!
I think that the fact that a certain ex couldn't appreciate that means that he doesn't understand what true passion and originality look like.
You, my dear friend, are a one-of-a-kind, beautiful original! (and someone who'll look wonderful in a baby blue hoodie)
Laughter- the joyful,consuming contagious kind. Sunshine- the kind that warms your heart. Love- the kind that leaves you feeling safe and secure. Loyalty- the kind that only a true friend can be. Beauty- the kind that begins in the heart and works its way out. Radiance- the kind that makes a person stand out and draws people to them. Encouragment- the kind that leaves you feeling like everything is going to somehow be okay. Friend- the kind that is the very best! I could go on and on and on. These are the words I think of when I think of Heather. I can honestly tell you that never,in the thirteen years that we have been friends has the word boring been included in the way that I would describe you.
I love you and consider myself very blessed to have such a wonderful friend as you.
You're right you know, the baby blue does bring out the sparkle in your beautiful eyes, I am glad you love it and am so happy you were able to find a color that makes you feel fabulous.
Love you,
Kirst
Tears are streaming down my face. Thank you for the words I needed tonight. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your pain--it gives me permission to feel it too as I crest the roller coaster and start screaming on the way down.
You are a gift to me--more than you will ever know.
Phewf! I'm sure glad you're boring--god knows what kinds of emotions would surface if you and your writing were more interesting! ;}
SILLY BOY! >:p Heather is for US!(
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