Pink Paris shoes and blue hospital pants ....

This is really messed up. I am warning you. I don't get it, but it is the way that I feel.
I feel bad for my tumor. It is part of me, my cells, my DNA ... me. And today I willingly blasted the crap out of it with poison. I am killing part of me. With surgery I never felt this way ... maybe because there was no slow and inhumane torture. Maybe I thought that that tumor went on to live a nice little life outside of me ... met a nice tumor-boy, married, had kids, a cute little home. You know filled its destiny, the normal course of life. My tumor did not mean to hurt me, in fact I imagine that it felt quite awful that its existence caused me so much pain. It is not malicious. It was just doing what it was told. I can hear it crying. I told you it was messed up.
Krista was wonderful. She showed up with a starbucks chai-late and was brilliant at following my cues for what I needed. She did not get frustrated when I said "I need to not talk about this anymore" and then I proceeded to bring it up two minutes later.
I got a copy of the MRI report from the scan done 3 weeks ago. I now know that I am doing the right thing. The tumor had grown a third its size since November. Surgery would have been unavoidable within the next couple of months.
I wore my new spring dress and pink Paris shoes which in my opinion perfectly accented my hospital scrubs.
The worst part was when they were doing the set-up on the simulator machine. Staring up at the reflection of my abdomen covered in green lazer light and marker in the glass of the simulator window... people talking all around me in terms that I could not understand. There was just something about that moment that made it so real ... cried. The planner was soooo cute though ; )
So I am home. Day one is over. As we drove away I took a deep breath and thought to myself thank you God that is over ... and then realized I still have 24 more visits to go.
My pain is bothering me in my right leg where I rarely ever feel pain. I start the steroids in a couple of hours ... I think that will help.
Anxiety is gone.
I am okay.
I will be okay.
I will get through this. This is really nothing compared to a divorce. Should be a breeze : )
I love you all.
THANK YOU KRISTA. You will never know how much I needed you there today. I will be grateful forever and ever (that is how you planned it isn't it!?!) You are a ray of sunshine ... No, you are the whole freaking sun!