What a funny girl I am ...

Do you ever just think that you are ridiculous. Know that you are and seem to have no power to change that.
As much as I fear starting radiation I am at the point where I just want it to start NOW. I am tired of waiting. Can we please just do this NOW? Last year I had a horrible time with anxiety. Anxiety that made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out which manifested as locking myself in my house and never coming out. I would spend hours on the phone with my friends as they tried to trick my mind into forgetting that it was in the middle of an emotionally scary state. I could not stop my heart from racing or the tears from falling. I had not felt anxious in a long time. So long that I had begun to forget what an awful and disturbing feeling it can be. That is until this week. That feeling has begun to sneak up on me at random times. Reminding me that my mind is well aware that there is something to be anxious about even if I am not focusing on it. It is there right now, just above my tummy, just sitting there. Ughhhhh.

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A feeling that I did not anticipate and may not make sense to you is feeling like a fraud. Everyone has been so sweet, caring, generous, and loving. So many warm hugs, "I'll be thinking of you"'s, "What EVER I can do call me"'s, and smiles that say I am so sorry you are going through this. And with each piece of love I have to fight the feeling that I am undeserving. Is it because I don't know that it is going to be bad? My ever giving beautiful friend Krista showed up at my house with a box full of six gift bags. They are sitting right there in all there glory filled with her love and her way of being there for me. I felt guilty that she must have spent so much money for me. My Kirst was away on a family holiday to Vancouver ... she left me her key and as I walked into her living room a coffee table full of surprises, one for each day she was away, sparkled in front of me. I felt guilty.
I have never handled the attention of being sick well. Although I can not explain how much I appreciate it and how much the love helps ... for some reason it makes me uncomfortable. I want to not feel that way. I want to be able to think to myself that no I did not engineer a neurological disease so that I could undergo radiation so that I could get lots of presents and extra special love. I want to be able to just allow my friends to love and care for me. I want to be able to draw strength and courage from them. I am trying. I really am.
I keep trying to think of what it would be like if it was one of my girls going through this. Just the thought makes my cry ... I would hate it ... it would hurt my heart to no end if they pushed me away and I felt like there was nothing I could do.
So I will keep trying.

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Thank you for finding my geese. I think they thought they were being playful by hiding ... they now know it worries me and have promised to not do that again ; )