As I was riding the train down to the stampede this beautiful sunny Friday I looked up and started reading the poster in front of me. It was an advertisement for the Epcor Centre's free lunch time concerts. Opera, organ, Amy Seele's Band ... My heart sunk and I felt ... Heart ache. Amy is the girl that ... This is so hard to say ... That I believe Mike left our marriage for. He would not admit it ... He probably never will ... I think it is because he did not have the guts. I always thought of him as a man of integrity when we were married. I now see him as a boy who did not have the guts or the integrity to be honest with his feelings. I think that in a marriage there will be times when you are attracted to another person. If you are honest you tell your spouse and deal with it, protect your marriage at all costs. Mike did not do this ... And this is how he failed. This is how he was a coward. He started dating her months after he left me ... From what I hear. Everyone knew, but no one said anything until a little while ago.
I don't hate Mike, I think that I have forgiven him. But you know what, I don't want him in my life. I don't see him as someone who would enrich my life anymore. It is sad because I still love him, always will ... But I now see him as a very sad, weak, lost, liar, and quitter. Forgiven, but I will never be able to forget the pain that he caused me, how quickly he left, like he had just been waiting for things to get rocky so that he could get out of our marriage. The funny thing is, that had he waited he would have found that when I was not under the stress of working three jobs to put him through university ... That the Heather that he fell in love with was still there.
I hate that what happened tonight can still make my heart feel like it can't breath.
I will sleep, and when I wake I will take a deep break and remember all the wonderful people in my life who love me. I will remember that my heart is full of hope for the future ... For love again ... For whatever blessings my future holds.
And I need to make one thing clear ... Mike would say that I am happy now because he left ... I died because he left ... I live because I am a strong woman who knows her worth and who loves life and her friends and her family. Me not him.
By the way you guys are awesome ... To date you have raised 1300 dollars for Children's Wish. That is one tenth of a kid's wish ... And has once again made my heart bubble with pride for the people in my life that support me and know the importance of a dream. I hope I can support you in reaching your dreams. They are closer than you think ... Never let go of them!
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- H
- I am doing my best to find the good things in my life and cherish them. I love deeply. I laugh hard (so hard I sometimes snort). I still dream and believe that dreams are meant to be followed. I try to depend on God. I have so much to learn. I hope.
4 comments:
Hi Butterfly Queen...
I am so glad we were able to connect, no matter how loosely, tonight. More than anything, I wanted to sit and catch up with you, but all we got were quick snatches between "ride hunting"! That was crazy, and I felt absolutely manic!
I am so sorry that you had that hard reminder on the train. It is not fair that when you try to move on smoothly, something or someone has to jump in your way--causing you to swerve madly or run on over them.
The sad, the weak, the lost, the liars, and the quitters are attracted to the strong women who know their worth and love their lives, friends and family. Those women have what they need, and they try to SUCK IT OUT of them. Thing is, once they've sucked it all out, they still don't have any of it, cause they don't know how to use it. It is all bouncing off them and shattering into floating particles. And then those women have to try, with whatever depleted energy they have left, to madly run around trying to catch the fragments in butterfly nets with holes in them! No more fixer uppers; in homes or in relationships!
I am wishing away your pain--physical and emotional, I hope it works!
LOVE,
Q.T.
Heather, my wonderful,strong Heather. You ARE a woman, you are THE woman. You are able to see so clearly you own worth, as well as the lack of worth of others who once bedazzled you. We all make mistakes, but the strength is in getting up and getting on. You go girl! Have a great time in Mexico, Love ya!!!!
Oh Heather,
I have not read your blog for a while now. Sorry, no excuses there. In fact, I have not written much on my own. How the tables have turned in the world of "bloggendom" :-) I remember your hesitation to write to the world (so to speak), but now look, you write and nearly bleed through your type. It's honestly the most beautiful thing. I know so few who are so real, and live from the heart as you do. Thank you for sharing something that most women, had they experienced what you had, would never even share to another friend let alone post online. You are brave, and forgive me if I am off, but perhaps what makes your reflection on the past so wonderful is that it is not a vent, it is freedom. It's pouring your life out, so others can know, and perhaps be freed to share thier lives too. So friends can care. So wounds can be healed. Blessings to you my dear friend, I continue to be humbled and to learn so much through your life.
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