I painted blue ...

I was looking at the pictures of our trip out to one of Erin's favorite spots at home. As I looked at this picture I remembered how unconditionally Tayah trusted that I would keep her safe. That she could just follow her little heart to every whim and desire it created. She is a child that knows she will be kept warm when it is cold, dry when it is wet, fed when she is hungry. She is a child who is loved deeply by so many people. She is blessed, so blessed. Are we ever that protected as adults. Can we even take one step without first thinking about the risks involved? Can we ever feel the abandon of knowing that there will always be someone there to catch us? And if we were blessed to be loved and protected like Tayah ... Would our independent nature as adults although us to trust in the arms that are there?
I continue to feel off. I would not say that I am really sad or down ... Although there are those moments. More like I am uncomfortable in my skin. Even when I am with the people that I know love me most. My words seem lost and scrambled and I wonder if that is only how they sound to me or if you hear that too. This has led me to want to spend more time on my own ... Lost in someone else's words in a book or a movie. In a world that makes sense and that I don't have to participate in. This is so out of character for me. I usually love hearing and sharing stories. I usually love to meet new people and try and figure out what makes their heart beat fast.
It is really quite hard to share this kind of stuff. I have a fear that I think most people share that if we are not happy and bubbling with life that we are not lovable.
I painted tonight. Where all my other paintings have been warm ... Tonight I painted in blue. I paint from my heart ... Does that mean my heart is blue?