A female cat...

She came down the long warmly lit, beautiful decorated (with crayon being one of the main mediums) hallway of her school and stiffly bent her arm at tbe elbow throwing up a flat hand towards my co-worker and I. With chin length straight black and tosseled hair, dark rimmed glasses, and school uniform she seemed to be trying her best to not show any sign that she was excited to see her special friend (my co-worker) and the other lady she was going to start seeing today. She had shared earlier that day that taking the time to explain to her that I was coming could very well have been a waste of her special friends time as she may not have wanted to see me ... And she would not want any time wasted. However, I could see in her eyes that she was just a little excited to have a new adult in her life to listen to her, coach her, and more or less be on her side in the huge battle that she has turned life into.
I had her laughing and comfortable quickly and from that point on her story just poured out, and out, and out for the next hour. Her hands fidgeting with my fidget toys that advertise non-smoking, (funny the kids never read the print ... Only the adults) she shared about her anger and seemingly innate need for revenge at any perceived slight. As she became more comfortable she began to refer to classmates as "female cats" and told stories of aggression that made my heart feel like it was being aggressed.
No matter how much literature I read on anger and aggression in children I have yet to really be able to understand how a life with such short history can possess such anger. I left the session feeling drained and a little sad. I watched her hesitantly walk away from me back down the same hall she came up, back towards a world that dislikes her, a world that she abuses because she does not seem to know how to love it, a world that plays with her temper for entertainment, a world where she sees herself as having not one genuine strength, a world that for all intents and purposes seems to hate her. A world that will rarely have the time or patience to look beyond her snarls and see her beauty, talent, and heart. A world that she will likely continue to hate for a long time.

Driving home yesterday red fireworks flew over 14th street exploding in a silver star. It made me smile and giggle. I love joys out of context... They seem just that little bit more joyous when they are dressed as surprises. I always feel like they are just for me. Like someone knew that I needed a little red fire-works joy and thought I was special enough to give me that gift.

I love watching people I love sleep. I love knowing that for that time their heart is calm, their bodies are relaxed, and they are at peace. Even more so when they are beautiful little ones. Sleep well my dear friends, dream fabulous grand dreams. I plan to dream about playing in the ocean with the turtle I met in Mexico, the sunset birds can play too. Oh yeah and of course my gorgeous new love will be by my side loving my turtle, my flamingos, and me. No, I don't have a new love ... He is still trying to figure out how to get out of my dreams and into my arms ; )

I am reading a book for work "Growing up sad" ... How sad. At least my growing up years were mostly filled with happiness ... At least as I recall it.