I want it to be okay now ...

Just over a year ago I wrote this and sent it out to my close friends:

A year ago … I thought that each breath I forced myself to breath would be my last … I believed that there was no way that any one person could survive such consuming pain … I felt like my heart was physically whaling… I thought the world truly hated me … I thought I could not handle one more bad thing … I was exhausted … I dreaded sleeping because it meant I would wake-up … When I was touched it made me crawl in my skin … I could not watch any show in which anyone was hurt in any way … It made me angry when people said it would be okay – because I did not want life without him to be okay … I had no voice from screaming … I thought that my life was over … My family and friends could not trust me to be on my own … I felt utterly powerless … I felt like half of me was ripped away … I was spiritually dying … I was raw … I was completely vulnerable … I felt completely responsible … I thought I could not survive another minute, let alone another day

Today … today my heart overfloweth … my soul has found its song … my spirit feels joy … I feel loved … I feel blessed … I feel proud … I feel strong … I feel weak … I feel capable … I feel like a survivor … I feel like there is nothing that life has that I can not live through … I feel dumb … I know my heart better than I ever have … I know my faith more intimately than I ever knew was possible … I fear … I cry – but I eventually stop … I know how to ask for what I need … I know what is truly important to me … I know how to let go of the little things … I push myself to grow … I am growing … I am open to learning … I learn … I fight to be true to my heart … I fight to find joy – even if it is unusual places … I am wrong ... I make mistakes – lots of them … I am making wonderful memories … I am providing for myself … I am a blessing … I am happy … I am present … I worry … I inspire … I am alone … I can own my part but realize it was not all me … I am truly alive … I am more than okay.

And for tomorrow … I don’t know … I do know I will always have my family. I do know that I have incredible friends who will be with me till the end. I do know that my life will be an awesome adventure worthy of that great novel I dream of. I do know that God will never leave me. And as far as the ‘I don’t knows’ – for some reason they are a beautiful thing to me – because I know now that it is okay to not know.

I never want to forget how far today is from then. I never want to forget the people who loved me through this year and dragged me back into life (and took care of my life while I counldn’t) … who held me while I balled, who talked to me until I could breath again, who believed in me, who rearranged their lives to care for me – my angels – my sister, my mom, Kirst, Krista, Tayah, Aunt Barb, Uncle Bill, Grandma, Erin, Lindz, Jennie, Christine, Melissa, Deb, Carrie, Doug and Hayley, Linda, Sarah, Sharon. I never want to forget that God never, ever, for a moment let go of me. I never want to forget that I am a survivor. I never want to forget that I chose life. I never want to forget.


On a lighter note … I learned that flipping the finger to every posty, post truck, mail depot, and any other Canadian Post related object really did help a little. I learned that a person can survive on 2 soda crackers a day for two months and that eating only cookie-dough gives you a wicked head-ache. I learned that you should not adopt a cat when one is in such a fragile state, especially when one is allergic to cats – as that cat may die and make things even worse. I learned that the 7 for 7 at the local Rogers Video was created by God. I learned that the Sex In The City ladies were my best-friends. I learned that packing to move in such a state leads one to throw away half of their stuff (I am still looking for things that are probably in the dump!). I learned that sometimes pure exhaustion can make a person start laughing for no apparent reason. I learned that a grown woman can find great comfort in a soft stuffed puppy (How did you know Kirst?). I learned that laughter is magical!!!!

How can a year ago seem once again like it is a life time ago. When I really sit down and think about the last two years of my life I feel utterly overwhelmed and peices of my heart just start to role down my cheeks and pool in my neck. Ever since I was a little girl the thought of others seeing me as someone who felt sorry for themself or weak made my stomack cramp. I have always been a fighter. I did not ever think it was a choice. Mike leaving was the first time in my life that I realized that my fight had been a choice all along. It was the first time that I crumbled and fell into believing that I could not get out of the pain that I was in. It was the first time in my life that I thought about stopping the fight. And it was then that grace flooded my life. Grace towards my heart. Grace that allowed it to crumble because it could not do anything else. Grace that allowed it to call out for help. Grace for the weakness in others. Grace to seek out whatever I needed to heal. Grace to be weak. I used to believe that everyone loved me because I was such a fighter, but I am learning and struggling to accept that maybe, just maybe, people love me just because I am me.

Another year later I find myself once again healing from being knocked over. I am still looking for joy in the little things. I am bald and a little chunky and healthy. I can hold on to a hug for an extra minute if I need to. I am strong enough to go get my own groceries and carry them up the stairs and put them all away. I am able to make fun in not so fun times. My heart is stable enought that I can be a support to other hearts that are tetering. I have gone beyond and I have underachieved. My grandpa says "She is a good one that kid". I have made my house into a home. I have style. Even when I am in pain I can find it in me to stand up straight. I have felt what it is like to believe you know how to solve every problem in the world with love. I survived radiation. I take risks. I am honest. I want to be a mother. I want to open up my heart to a new love. I want to be a better friend. I want to be dependable. I want to be challenged. I love the smell of wine and the first sip. I am an emotional eater. I can be mean to people when they get too close. I have to fight to stay open and vulnerable. I can be funny. I can laugh so hard that I have to lean against something to keep from falling. I am a painter. I am a dancer. I am a listener. When I look at people I see their hearts. I can empathise and sympathise. I have abandonment issues. I am a fighter. I am a lover. I am just me.
I am proud of the good and have grace for the parts that are still, and may always be a work in progress.
Another chapter of my great novel has been written. Oh dear God please let the year ahead of me be filled with just as much love and as many lessons but a little less pain.