Oh, what to do, what to do?

I slipped off my long dark locks and hung it in my locker at the Y. Feeling so many eyes on me. Knowing the questions whirling through their heads. I feel the urge to turn around and smile. To dare them to keep looking. When I go without my wig people are nicer to me, they smile more, are more apt to great me, and have that look of concern, and curiosity. I have noticed that I look at people less ... I think that I don't want to see that look. I don't want to be reminded. Yet in the same breath I am proud of what my hedgehog head symbolises. I am proud that I was in that locker room willing my body with every ounce of encouragement to find its strength again. I am okay that I walk into the facility with hair and walk out with none on my head and what appears to be a small animal in my purse. So then ... why the avoidance. Can other people's discomfort transfer to us. Do we start to feel shame about something where in solitude and quit we feel none? It feels that way. We really do have to cheer hard for our little hearts in a world that at times feels like all it wants to do is tear us down. I need some pom poms.

I have been having horrible nightmares for the last 4 or so nights. Not silly, odd, scary ones but emotionally devastating and heart wrenching ones. The ones where the things you fear most happen and you feel the depth of the feeling you fear that event would, or did cause you. I think it was triggered by something that happened with someone I was sort-of dating. Although when I think about it with my head I know without question that that person did not fit into my heart right. But he was one of those puzzle pieces that kind of fit, almost fit, if you push hard enough and squint your eyes could be convinced to fit ... but you know that the effort exerted to make that piece fit makes it not fit at all. Does that make sense? Anyway, just knowing that I would no longer have this piece shoved in my heart and that I once again have to look at and feel a big empty space set off a reaction in my heart. I know in my mind that it never works with those shoved in pieces. That they can never, no matter how hard you and they may want, truly fit. And that there would always be dissatisfaction. But in my heart I felt the feelings I felt when Mike left. Discarded, unwanted, anxious, alone, and so very scared of being alone forever. With the oozing of that yuck from my heart I am forced to question where my heart is really at. Is this normal? Am I in denial? Have I just stuck a pretty band-aid over my wound without cleaning it and giving it the proper care to heal fully?

My friend Chad Hardt was up visiting from Austin. As always it was so nice to have someone around. I will post some of the pictures of his visit when he sends them to me. My camera is in need of juiceries.

So much to share and sleep needed so badly. Lots of long days this week.