The cookie dough has come out ...

I am home. I am safe and nestled in my home, curled up in bed after a long day of running around and getting back into my life.

My friend Holly had a trampoline. We used to jump on it for hours and hours. Once we tired from pad-tag and crack the egg we would all just lay there and talk and talk. We would talk about where we would all live together when we moved out, how we would all be in each others weddings, what we would name our kids, and just fantasize about how perfect our lives would be once we "grew up". Holly died of heart disease. Stephanie moved to Victoria. Last I heard Bree became a model in Japan and ran into some problems with addiction. Laurie got sick and is still fighting her illness. And me? I still feel like I am bouncing up and down on Holly's tramp. One minute feeling strong, confident, healthy and grown-up ... and the next feeling a need to fill some hole inside of me with gross amounts of cookie dough. I know that it is quite a normal female phenomenon to eat when emotions run high or low. But it just does not feel healthy ... it feels abusive. My body has been through so much. My heart has been through so much. Why can I not treat it with more respect. What is this black hole that seems to be able to consume insane amounts of cookie dough. It is funny ... but it is not. I think that I have a problem.

Aside from those moments I am feeling more like myself these days. I have noticed that my hand has returned to resting on my chest to hold my heart when I feel something so deeply my heart feels squeezed ... it had stopped doing that ... I had stopped feeling deeply for a little bit there.

When I walked in the door to Kirst's this morning Tayah came over and said "Oh Heather, you are here!" She walked over and held her hands out for me to lift her into my arms. And once she was rested on me hip she nuzzled her head in for a hug and her soft blond hair tickled my neck. This is the little angel that rarely stops moving long enough for such cuddles with me unless she is sick. My heart was squeezed.

Then as I was leaving to head to work I saw something that fully took my little heart and melted it in a perfect moment kind of way. There in the sky were HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS of geese flying east. They were all in their family flocks and seemed to be moving as units ... dancing with each other across the sky. Just thinking about it now brings my hand to rest upon my heart ... keeping it from beating right out of my chest.