I didn't know. I didn't think.
I know that you will all say "of course honey that is normal" but I did not see it coming.
I was sitting at the end of a bed of child with cancer with eyes that looked into my eyes with an intensity and vulnerability that moved me and calmed me. Eyes sky blue and so bright against pail skin. A neck and chest burned from radiation. The nurse entered.
"I am just going to start pushing your vinchristine"
My heart dropped into my stomach and a shiver ran through my body.
A doctor asked me a couple months ago what chemo drugs I had and for the life of me I could not remember. But the instant I heard that word I felt like I was back in the bed at the Tom Baker outpatient treatment clinic with warm blankets wrapped around my hand trying to trick my veins into coming out. I know that they knew somehow what was coming because the nurses could never get my veins on the first poke even though, as my brother would say "Man you have veiny hands!"
We cope right. We have to. We can not sit in an awful moment until it melts us. Up until now there has really been no reason for me to go back to the endless procedures and surgeries that I have been through.
But now I have to.
Now if I want to be the best Child Life Specialist I can be I have to go there.
I have to sort out my stuff so that I can help them sort out theirs.
You want to know the sad thing. I needed a Child Life Specialist. I needed someone to talk to me about my fears, my hurts, the things that happened to me.
I have been frozen in fear on my side as my doctor stuck a needle into my spine over and over. I have puked for days straight. I have been poked more times than I can begin to count. I have yelled in pain. I have woken up from a surgery unable to feel my legs. I have, I have, I have ... and no one that really understood what I was going through talked to me about it. No one prepared me for what it would feel like to wake up after being incubated for 12 hours. No one explained to me why I was rushed to the ICU and isolated. No one told me why they were crying.
This will be good. I see the good in re-living this. To be able to see how CL could have made my experiences a little better. I know the need for CL and have a passion to practice it. It is worth reliving things that I had pushed deep into my memory.
But it's hard. And I am not sure how to go about sorting this all out.
And I am a little angry.
3 comments:
I love you. And the children are so lucky that you have chosen this route. Thank you.
Did you know that God has Earth Angels to watch over special little souls who have chosen to experience their illnesses. I believe God has sent you to these little ones to guide them through their most difficult times. Your own experience, HUGE, HUGE heart and love of life are only a few tools He has given you to be one of His Earth Angels.
I am so blessed to have you as my friend. Big Warm Hugs K8
You are my hero. You are a hero. You are a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful woman who is going to help more people than she will ever know. Even if you walk into a few walls during the process because your head is down you are you and that is a wonderful thing. Don't ever change a thing for anyone but yourself. I'm proud to call you my friend.
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