I was okay ...

The dying swan.
http://filmyear.typepad.com/blog/2006/11/1917_the_sublim.html
I wrote this after it happened towards the end of January and forgot to post it oppps.

We have a referral from the medical ward. There is a man that was just moved up from emergency and the team does not think that he is going to make it through the night. He has four kids and they need support.
“I just can’t stay tonight I have my first class.” Liz said
Terrified, the words “I will do it … I mean if you think that I am ready, I was planning on staying tonight to work on school anyway … I will meet them.”
Sweet Jeff says without a hesitation and without looking at me “You are ready, she is ready”
Liz looks at me. I nod, and she picks up the phone and lets the unit know that I will be up shortly.
That is when my heart started to hurdle beats and I began to have thoughts of chaining myself to Liz so that she could not leave. I walked back to the office and started organizing things that were organized, trying to get my heart to slow down so that I could think. I have been working towards this very work for so long that I can’t remember ever wanting to do anything else. I knew that this was not a moment that I could prepare for anymore. I knew that what was most important was that I go and be with this family. I knew that no amount of deep breathing or preparation was going to take away the desire to get to those that I love most and hold them tightly. I knew that the only way to know if this is truly where I need to be was to go and be there. I walked up six flights of stairs to help my body calm so that my presentation did not scare the kids more. And then I was ok. It was not ok … they eyes that met me were filled with a fear and a desperation that I think only exists in those that are loosing everything ... but I was ok, I was present.
And it was not until the door of Liz's office closed that my tears melted me. I called Kirst and just cried.