What I really want ...

I must confess that I gave in and went online. I made a deal with my friend Natalie that we would go on 8 dates in 8 weeks. Why? I am still asking myself this question. I think it feels safe here. Safe because it is not permanent ... because if I crash and burn I can really walk away. I think it is also because I know that I need to open myself up. I am like a tulip in the spring until the slightest hint of a relationship looms and then I change. I want to be able to get past the fear. Do I love it online? NO ... not so much. However, it has made me think more about what I want. And this thinking seemed to end with frustration. None of the search questions seem relevant to what I want. Then this poem showed up in my in-box and reading it allowed me to breath and made me tear up. This says what I want so much better than I have been able to. Blond or brown, light or dark ... this is what I want..

THE INVITATION

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love
For your dream
For the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals
Or have become closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own,
Without moving to hide it, fade it or ‘fix’ it
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness
And let ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
Or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to your self.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your own life from its divine presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of the lake
And shout to the silver of the moon: “YES”

It doesn’t interest me
To know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up
After a night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone
And do what needs to be done.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
Or how you came to be here
I want to know if you will stand
In the centre of the fire with me
And not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
You have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside
When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with your self
And if you really like the company you keep
In the empty moments.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer