There are for sure so many moments of raw longing for home in my week. Usually when I am talking to one of you.
But there are also many moments of raw appreciation for the life that pulses around me in this big city. And you know what? I can feel that pulse and I think that I can feel it because I have so much time listening to mine. Maybe that does not make any sense.
I was talking to my room mate last night. A sweet young girl from my Child Life class who knows only the 'after' of me. As I shared with her, I started to cry about my "blip" as she called it. For a moment I was offended that she could call the pain and the infection that took over my heart for so long a "blip" ... but then I realized that I was not really that offended and that indeed with time Mike is becoming more and more of a blip. Did he forever change the anatomy of my heart and life? Yes. Does he define me anymore? No, he has not for longer than I realized. Then my heart wandered towards thinking about all of those lessons that seemed to be knocking me on the head with mammoth intensity. The ones that changed the way I sensed life. The ones that I never ever wanted to forget. And I started to wonder how many of those lessons continue to guide me towards being the Heather that I want to be. Am I still listening to my heart? If I am still giving it the space inside of me it needs? I was not OK with my answer. I realized that by no means have I stopped listening. I know this because my heart's hearing is still there, but it is not as sharp as it once was. It is not as empathetic and gentle and gracious as I want it to be. I realized that I miss blogging. That this blog is so much more for me than for you. This blog is about me witnessing my life. Wow I just realized that. And I was just incredibly blessed to have friends who love me in such a sweet way that they were willing to witness alongside of me.
It has felt less important to blog. It felt like there was no longer the time in my day. This is about mindfulness and present living... something only I can do on my own. It continues to feel important to have this world that is sacred and mine. I sometimes read Patrick posts ... but for now his witnessing will be done in other ways. I want to come back to visiting my heart in this space.
I wonder how this will work. I wonder if I am wrong and if having a Patrick changes things too much.
I don't know.
3 comments:
I have been missing sharing your life through your blog. I knew when you were ready you would once again grace the pages of your blog with thoughts and feelings written so beautifully they bring both laughter and tears to my heart.
Having a Patrick only makes it better, Enjoy!
Welcome back
Love and Big Long Warm Hugs K8
My dear,
I have missed meeting you in this place as well. I think that having these moments of reflection are like an EkG. Forcing us to examine our heartbeat in a way that is challenged by our busy lives. We all need to take more time to just listen. I know that you will listen and hear what you need to. As you listen, remember to trust yourself to follow your heart.
A blip huh? what an interesting analogy. I can hardly believe how much you have changed. I love you and I am so proud of who you are. I am so very blessed to be your lil' cousin.
My heart is being pulled in different directions. One part of me is so excited to hear that you are falling in love with such a great city. The other is grasping at the hope that you will never make that a permanent move. I believe we will just have to wait and see.
Sweet dreams my dear.
Sar Bear
Hello Beautiful Blipper. I don't know if you had noticed the lag in my own blogging until the NaBloPoMo incident that took place in November and kicked me in the blogging ass? It is called happiness and contentment--and they are things that fill our lives without us always noticing. We don't always need to write to work through happiness, but it sure helps with wonder and pain and so on. So, be happy that your life is full of good things, and try to commit to writing through those things as well every now and then--cause BQ I been missin' you too!!
xoxox
QT
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