What am I scared of?
I am scared of something. My heart is unsettled and my mind is distracting itself from a truth that it will not let come to the surface of my ice-berg.
I am not laughing or feeling the peace that I bled for.
Do you think that is innately harder to stay true to your heart when you are in a relationship. Do you think that when you must consider the path of another heart that yours is forced to sacrifice ... to be different?
I have wanted to blog but maybe I am scared to put some things down here.
I took Patrick to Niagara for his birthday. The front-desk called him my husband ... and I thought to myself "He is not my husband. I have a husband but he is not this man." How does that happen. What do I do with that?
How do I know if I am sabotaging or if this relationship is not all that I need it to be. It feels like Patrick will be in my life for a very long time but at the same time I question why the words that shower my heart from his mouth do not come from mine.
Why is it hard for me to let him know my deep heart. I love sharing my heart's view of others with them. I love telling them about why I think that they are incredible ... I can't do this with Patrick. I have tried. Why can't I? Is it him? Is it me? Is it us?
How will I ever convince my heart to let someone truly in who has the potential to do what Mike did to me?
I told my co-workers/friends that I don't ever want to love someone so much again that life would seem unbearable enough without them that I would want to die. I thought that never loving another man the way that I loved Mike would be a good thing for my heart. A healthy and protective thing ... am not sure anymore.
Life was truly easier when I was single.
7 comments:
What a tangled web of emotions life is. We are told that sometimes we will truly feel lost and we are told that there isn't a guide to every situation. I have no words to share but these - I love you. You are stronger than you know and you are so in tune with your own heart it amazes me. My kids and I have just started a unit on Courage. I asked them, how do you decide if someone is courageous? One student called out, "Someone who is not afraid." Another student put up her hand and replied, "No, that is not always true. They can be afraid, but they still choose to take the risk in the situation anyways." Yes, she is gifted and yes, she does take my breath away regularly, but still how eloquent. Yes, right now you are afraid. Yes, it seems like you are slowly but surely sliding into a deep pool of the unknown. Yes, it may be difficult should you ever be faced with the task of climbing out. Now, is what you two have not right, or is this instead a moment for courage?
Miss you
Bear
"Do you think that it is innately harder to stay true to your heart when you are in a relationship. Do you think that when you must consider the path of another heart that yours is forced to sacrifice ... to be different?"
Yes. Just ask The Pirate. But maybe it is not a sacrifice, so much as an opening, a sharing? I don't know. And I don't know if your hesitation means it isn't right, or that it is too right. But rumour has it, "you'll just know"...I have 'Just Known" at least 15 - 20 times in my life...but upon reflection, only two of those have been deep and real and true. Unfortunately, my depth of true love wasn't met on either occasion. But I'm still alive. Sometimes one person loves and the other person doesn't love as much and moves on -- still looking. I know someone who went into this with an escape clause...was the final nail already in place?
you are loved. you are amazing. you will follow that heart of yours.
xoxo
My Darling little Sweet Pea
Your heart is so pure and true that I can't imagine the turmoil you are going through right now. I can only tell you of my own experiences. In all my relationships, I tend to become whatever that other person needs. I loose me....Maybe that is my purpose in life....to be there for that someone else, to make their life better....when my job is finished there, I am forced to move on. Sometimes by the other person and sometimes by fate. In between these relationships, I once again find me and realize how much I have learned and grown from my experiences. In all these relationships I thought it would be forever. Some forevers are shorter than others...Loving someone is always a good thing...I have faith, you will work it out. Just remember how much you are loved by everyone who knows you including me. Big warm hugs K8
Hey--just to let you know all is well with me--didn't get a chance to call--it was as I suspected!! xoxo
What the shit are you talking about? you've found someone who's good for you so admit it and get on with it! What the crap is up with your writing you sound like a hippie all hopped up on goof balls. Later Kevin
lmao!! Thanks for that Kevin!!
I love you, but he nailed it with the "like a hippie all hopped up on goof balls"!! I am seriously killing myself laughing!!
I want Kevin to go to my blog and tell me like it is!! I could use a good analogy to shake me up!!
....still laughing!!
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