Fluid souls...

http://science.nationalgeographic.com/science/enlarge/inside-heart.html

Patrick went away last minute for the weekend because of a funeral. I did not have any feelings of not being ok with this when he told me and actually thought that it would be good for us. I really believe it is so healthy to have chunks of time apart.
Here is the thing ... if i know he is going away I make extra plans. And since I didn't know, I ended up with a more or less empty weekend. I woke up this morning and found that I did not know what to do. This of course led to some pretty unfair self-talk, questioning how I had let myself get to this place. It was an amazingly sunny and beautiful day ... I knew that I should be outside but for some reason I felt like there was nothing to do because I was by myself. I watched TV on my computer, plucked my eyebrows, curled up and had a nap. All the while feeling so utterly disappointed in myself that I was not visiting art galleries or meeting friends for coffee. I did not really see what was going on inside of my heart until later in the evening. I just knew that I felt disappointed and embarrassed ... and gross. It is not that I can not stand to be apart from Patick, that was not what I was feeling.
I finally made myself get dressed and without much of a plan I pushed my self outside and started walking down Spadina. The moment that the sun kissed my face and the fresh air filled my lungs the anxiety that I was feeling started to ease. I went into an art store and started to feel my creativity sizzle a little and the desire to create again. I came to a dead end that was the entrance to Eaton Centre and instead of going inside and looking at shops I walked right through and out the other side so I could keep walking.
It was a good three hours later as I was walking home shoving chunks of the best bread in the world which I first discovered back in the summer and have been scouring for ever since that I started to figure it out a little. When we spend so much time with other people our soul adapts to never being alone. I had forgotten how to be by myself. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I am rarely by myself for more than a couple of hours, if that. In Calgary, when I was living on my own my soul had to learn to companion itself, to enjoy the dialogue inside my head, to be ok with just being.
It was a sad realization ... I remember how very sweet it was the first time I realized that I really liked my own company. And how does it change the way we see ourselves when the opinions of us that we listen to are always from the outside ... when we stop having the time to adore and love from the inside. I mean for sure sometimes the harshest judgments come from our own minds ... but could it also be true in a balancy sort of way, that the greatest compliments and love also come from inside?
I am just amazed at how quickly I forgot ... but thankful for how quickly I remembered.