I want out of my head ...

I am slowly going crazy 6,5,4,3,2,1, switch ... slowly am I going crazy 6,5,4,3,2,1 switch. There is without a doubt in my mind a point where you have spent too much time in your own thoughts ... in your own silence. This whole being exhausted beyond exhaustion but not being able to really sleep, or watch a movie, or read a book, or talk on the phone coherently thing is dumb. Yes ... that is my brilliant descriptor ... DUMB ... there is really no other word.

I have been taking yoga at the Y for the last couple of months. Each class has been a challenge for me ... on the one hand the physical limitations - which our instructor continually points me out for in an attempt to teach the rest of the class the importance of moderating and listening to your body ... all good natured and thoughtful but yet annoying ... and on the other hand the challenge to be still and meditate. This week was all about the meditation ... which was perfect because I know that I could not have done the harder physical poses. Yet ... the mere thought of spending one more dang minute meditating on myself nearly made me scream and leave. I am so the stick-with-it-and-something-good-will-come-out-of-it (can you even do that grammatically?) girl ... that there I stayed ... and of course, yes I left feeling better than when I entered. But it did not come easy. Something else happened that I am still trying to wrap my brain around... Yoga at the Y and Christianity. There on a hand-out was a Psalm from the Bible ... and there I was, at YOGA, being asked to mediate on the helpless condition of the human spirit and our need to release and understand our suffering in the context of Jesus. I asked myself "Is he allowed to do this?" "Is he really doing this?" "What is going on here?" "I believe this ... but what about that lady? What is she thinking? Is she offended?" "What would I be thinking if he had started preaching about Buddha?" "Am I at church?" "Is God stocking me at the Y, in Yoga?". I won't go to church so he is going to come to Yoga?

The little things that have saved me over the last couple of days are:

Being woken up by the door-bell and my friend Deb from Edmonton who had decided that she needed to come down and see me. Of course she came bearing a gift of a beautiful plant that will bring life to my patio ... and as always she just let me do what I needed to do ... always the easiest guest ... there is something so wonderful about a friend that has the ability to just be with you ... a friend that makes you feel like just being with you is enough ... that you don't have to do anything but be you. The tea and carrot cake in the sun after treatment was okay too : )

Tayah yelling "I like you, I like you, I like you Header" as Kirst pulled up to her house and the van door opened. When else does that ever happen in life ... a moment that made my heart laugh.

Jamison laughing his beyond-words-adorable head off as he jumped his chubby little legs away for the first time in the jolly-jumper that I had gotten for Tayah. He is changing so much ... I had a bang of "NO STOP GROWING NOW" yesterday when I looked at him and realized just how much he has grown. He is my little man, my only man ... If he keeps growing then there will inevitably come a point where he will no longer be okay with that ... then what?

The hot-tub at the Y. I swim like a 90 year old now ... but the hot-tub eased the inner turmoil that the halt in my training is creating. Especially because the guy beside me looked like he fake-and-baked ONLY his face ... and over-baked it ... and it was funny ... and I could not stop looking at him ... and he probably thought that I thought that he was all that ... but really I was thinking "What the??? How the??? Why the???"

2AM - do I take the sleeping pill? I don't want to take any more pills. I will take the stupid pill. Stupid and Dumb ... great attitude I am sporting tonight eh ; )