Revelations ...

(Somebody is being seriously spoiled ... sweet Patrick)

I think that there are so many rich things that have and will come into my life through the career that I have chosen. There is also a lot of self reflexion and, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, self pathologizing. I am sitting here in my lilac bouquet colored room, with the magical smell of lilacs wafting from the row of flowers beside me, swaddled in my duvet reading about loss and attachment studying for my certification exam. A large part of Child Life is understanding the processes of attachment. The goal is that in better understanding how children develop and maintain attachment styles that we will be better able to support parents in fostering secure attachment in their kids ... and in return helping kids cope in and out of hospital. Reading so much about attachment in childhood and adulthood, I have not been able to avoid looking at my own attachment.

I can see that so many of my gut reactions to life and those in my life fall neatly into place with the attachment that my life experience prescribe. I would be a classic case study. But for some reason it was not until tonight that I was able to see that I would not be a case study for what I thought. Somehow it seems that I was completely blinded to the security that I feel in my life. I for sure have been able to venture out into the world because my base has been, and is safe and secure. How did I not see this? For the first time tonight I was able to see that as the world yelled at me "life is not safe", my peoples presence and care must have been stronger. The way that I reacted to the loss of my husband and marriage was not pretty, but it was not reflective of a dominantly insecure woman.

I was able to reach out, knowing that someone would catch me and help me put it all back together. For sure it will be harder for me to trust this time around ... and it will for sure require much patience on the poor sweet man that sees that I am worth it ... but it will be possible for me to fall.
And yeah I know that I still have a lot to work on when it comes to the relationships that are most important to me. I will always have to work to work with what is before me and not what I imagine to be there. But it is do'able. A pretty great revelation. Who knows what else will be taught to me through the path that my life is going down.

Feeling so blessed tonight that my home-base is safe and secure ... and made up of so many incredibly amazing and beautiful souls. I miss home.