That I write because I don't really want to write but feel like it is what I need. I don't want to write it because it means thinking about things that I don't want to really think about, that I don't know how to think about, and that are so smushed and mushed together that I can't seem to pull them apart to see them clearly. And yes, I hear you, and I agree that life is not clear ... but I just want the current to rest for just long enough for me to see the bottom. There has been so much movement in my life that it feels like too long since I have been able to see ... and that makes me feel uneasy and unsettled.
One of the things is the boy ... Patrick Durieu. And even typing his name there was hard but a much demanded first step ... acknowledging his existence in my life publicly where I share my heart. Seriously ... I can not believe how hard this is for me. I seriously want to just say that is all I can do today and post.
Why is it important for me to share about him? Part of me feels like if I can't do this then either a)I don't like him enough to give him space here and should really reconsider or b)That I like him a lot and being with him feels so natural that it scares the shit out of me and by writing that down I loose the ability to convince myself that he is not special to me, that he has not somehow managed to carve a place for himself in my heart (with power-tools, bruit strength, and commitment).
I don't want it to be a or b.
I just want him around. I think about him when he is gone and in my quite moments I can see that he is utterly beautiful, and kind, and gracious, and thoughtful, and patient, and dedicated, and loyal, and fun, and happy, and independent, and so good for me.
And that is really all I can write today.
It is a start.
- H
- I am doing my best to find the good things in my life and cherish them. I love deeply. I laugh hard (so hard I sometimes snort). I still dream and believe that dreams are meant to be followed. I try to depend on God. I have so much to learn. I hope.
7 comments:
It is a great start! I was just thinking as I logged on to your blog--"I need a Patrick update!" and thought I would have to call to get it. This is infinitely better. Good for you. Just let him be in your life. That is all. You'll get to see the bottom eventually, for now, he is stirring up the silt. Hooray!
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