Labeled a kid ...

I sat there with him. Hearing what sounded like adult words and adult thoughts. Wondering if the worries and fears that are most common in a child whose parent is dying rested in him or if I was looking for things that I felt should be there and not being present with what really was. He bent over and placed his face in his hands. His dad lay beyond the window in front of us across the courtyard, his body dying. And there was my answer as clear as I needed it to be. On the tag of his shirt all it said was Kid. Shortly after the fears and worries common to kids slowly slipped from his heart. I hope that somehow our time together let him feel like a kid for long enough to remind him that he still is one before his life circumstances push him to grow-up much faster than seems fair.

It kind of made me think that we might be better at caring for each other if we had care instructions written on us. I think mine might read

Not to much heat.
Press, do not ring.
Durable yet fragile.
Air dry.
Please handle with care.

He died the morning after he looked me straight in the heart as I played with his son and explained what he would see happen to his dad's body as he died ... and he smiled at me. He smiled right into my soul.

I walked away and as the elevator doors closed I cried.

My ribs, in attempt to protect my heart a little closer, pulled together not realizing that in doing so they pushed away my ability to breath.
My heart is doing its best to convince my ribs that they don't need to protect so fiercely. And for moments and hours they seem to be convinced. But it seems that they become like the soft ticklish spot on a back right where a person's wings once were ... once they are tickled the slightest touch exudes the greatest fit of laughter. But in my chest it is the slightest sad emotion that reflexes my ribs into putting up their tightest defense.

It is about so many things. It is a feeling I fear and hate and that is connected to such a painful time in my life. But I can not turn from the beauty connected with such a huge part of what has been making my heart so anxious. I will live through it ... I will call my Queen unable to breath, I will tell the sweet man snoring beside me that I need to stop and find my breath, and I will get through this.

I am in Love ... and as terrifying as that is, deep down I know that I could never convince my heart to turn from this one.

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